The Meaning of Life
by Jemmiah
Summary: Birds, bees and little girls make for a very embarrassed QuiGon.
1. Default Chapter Title

The Meaning of Life…

******************************

"I am so tired," Qui-Gon groaned as he headed back home with extremely weary legs. "That is the LAST time I let Mace talk me into playing Seven aside Gabali with the initiates."

He'd told his padawan not to stay up too late just on the off chance that he would be forced to have a couple of restorative drinks with his partners in crime, Dex Berlingside and Mace Windu. His intuition had proven correct. Except for the number of drinks involved. 

Windu was a total idiot, Jinn groused. Whose big idea was it to schedule the game before the children's bedtime? The crèche masters would get very little in the way of peace tonight…

As he got to the door of his apartment he could hear the distant sound of voices talking. Jinn glanced at his wrist chrono. Jemmiah should have been in bed AGES ago. And his padawan had stayed up beyond his instructed hours as well.

Right, thought Qui-Gon. I'll show you who's the master round here…

He opened the door and was met by the sight of Obi-Wan lying slouched on the floor, face in the palm of his hands, watching the holo screen idly. Jemmiah was sitting on the couch with her hands wrapped round a cup of what Qui-Gon guessed was probably hot chocolate. 

Evla spoils that girl, thought Qui-Gon silently. Ever since we brought her back Jemmiah's introduced that Corellian taste for all things sweet into our household. My padawan will most likely need several teeth extracted if he continues with his predilection for Corelli treacle.

Obi-Wan looked up, unfazed.

"Jemmiah couldn't sleep." He said, using their coded phrase for 'Jemmiah's had screaming nightmares again.'

Qui-Gon nodded and left it at that.

"Ten more minutes padawan and that's all." He put on his stern voice.

"Yes, master." The boy nodded before turning back to the screen.

Qui-Gon followed his apprentice's gaze to the screen.

What he saw rather disturbed him. It was certainly NOT the sort of viewing material he would have deemed suitable for either padawan or child.

He made a force snatch for the control and switched channels.

"A word if you please, padawan." Qui-Gon ordered his rather flushed looking apprentice into the adjoining kitchen area, making sure to keep his voice low.

"When I said make sure you went to bed in plenty of time, I expected to be obeyed."

"But…" Obi-Wan began.

Jinn held up his hand to stop the boy's protestations in mid flow.

"I'm not so concerned about that. You've given me your reasons and I accept them. And whilst I also don't usually allow the holo screen on at this time either I also agree that it was a good way to keep Jemmiah's mind occupied." His vivid blue stare fell upon the boy. "But what I do NOT accept was the type of thing you were watching."

"We weren't!" Obi-Wan sulked. "I was flicking channels when you came back. When you started speaking 

I just left it on that channel. You're always telling me to pay attention when you speak."

The boy looked hurt. Well, if nothing else at least he had been listening to what his master had said, Qui-Gon thought ruefully.

"In that case, I apologise." Qui-Gon said. 

"Y-you do?" Obi-Wan frowned.

"Yes. I'm not an ogre, Obi-Wan." He put an arm round his shoulder. "You're tired. I suggest we get some rest."

"Yes, master." Nodded the boy dutifully. "Oh, how did the match go, if you don't mind me asking?" A smile tugged at the boy's lips.

"We lost." Qui-Gon sighed, ruffling Kenobi's short hair. "As you well knew."

"But they were only seven initiates. How could you lose?" Obi-Wan asked.

"We lost because our net keeper cried off at the last minute and our replacement wasn't…how shall I say it, up to the job."

"Who?"

"Master Quirida-Xac."

"WHAT! But Master Quirida-Xac's over seventy! Not to mention his other problems…"

"Quite, padawan." Qui-Gon strode past the boy looking straight ahead. "Quite."

Jinn walked over to the eleven year old Jemmiah Gleshan, who regarded him with large, rounded eyes.

"Time for bed, Tangles." He warned.

She nodded, draining her mug of chocolate quickly. It left a huge brown ring round her mouth, which she scrubbed at with the back of her hand. Qui-Gon shook his head in amusement.

"Master Jinn?" She asked, the picture of perfect innocence. "What was going on there, just now? On the screen, I mean?"

There was a ghastly silence as Qui-Gon considered how best to reply.

"Right, I'm off to bed then. Good night, Master!" Obi-Wan rolled his eyes and practically ran past his master at a gallop, almost cutting himself in half with the door in an effort to escape.

"Err..." Qui-Gon swallowed, looking everywhere around the room but at Jemmiah. He sat down on his haunches.

Oh, help, he thought.

"Didn't Evla explain to you about…" his voice trailed away as she shook her head solemnly. 

"No. She obviously hasn't." Jinn pushed his hands through his long hair, thinking. This wasn't going to be easy. It was too late at night, for starters. 

"Why don't you talk about this with Evla when she comes back?" He smiled hopefully.

She shrugged. "I'll ask Master Windu about it, then."

"No!" Qui-Gon almost laughed with embarrassment at the thought. " We'll discuss this tomorrow. OK?"

She looked at him.

"OK." Her eyes lit up suddenly, and she planted a big, chocolatey kiss on his head. "Goodnight." She smiled when she saw the mark she'd left behind, and handed him the mug before stalking off to the spare bed.

"Devious, cunning little urchin." Jinn muttered, rubbing the chocolate off his head. 

He looked down at the mug. What AM I going to tell her? I really HATE this sort of thing. Why do kids have to grow up?

He walked slowly over to the sink and added the cup to the collection of dirty dishes that Obi-Wan had just happened to forget to wash whilst he was away. 

This was Evla's responsibility. Something dreadful ALWAYS happened whenever she made her periodic visits to see her relatives. It wasn't that Qui-Gon disliked having Jemmiah to stay with him, just that he wished her guardian would take her with her when she went off planet. But Jemmiah was adamant that she wouldn't leave Coruscant. Simply, she didn't feel safe away from the confines of the temple. This was yet another problem they would have to tackle sometime in the future.

Yes. This was just one in a series of what Qui-Gon had come to call a 'Jemmiah day'.

Groaning at the stiffness in his abused legs, he made his way to the direction of the fresher. He was NOT looking forward to tomorrow, that was for sure.

***************************

Obi-Wan popped his head round the door as he heard Jemmiah go past.

"You've got my master really worked up." He grinned. "Didn't anyone tell you about all that stuff?"

"What, the meaning of life and birds and bees, that sort of thing?" The girl smiled her prettiest smile. "Of course. When I was on Nargotria, we had a teacher amongst our number who tried to make certain I had an all-round education. I knew about that sort of thing years ago."

She laughed softly. "He doesn't know that though."

Kenobi smirked at her. "You are horrible!" He said in total admiration.

"Thank you." She said.

As she let herself into the spare room, she had but one thought.

Let Qui-Gon get out of this!


	2. What are little girls made of?

****

TITLE: What are little girls made of?

By Jemmiah

*********

Qui-Gon woke up with the strangest feeling that something…something invisible was hanging over him.

He shook his head, trying to clear the impression from his mind and sure enough after a few moments the strange feeling left him, leaving him to wonder if the sensation was some remnant left over from a forgotten dream. It had felt somewhat like a toothache that was quietly nagging away without being overwhelming - but there nonetheless. Sighing ever so slightly as he put the illusive feeling behind him, Qui-Gon carefully rolled the sheets away from him and slid his long legs out of the bed.

There it was again.

Darn, this was going to bother him, he thought with a small amount of irritation beginning to surface through his normally unflappable jedi calm. What could it be? What could possibly be the route cause of that increasingly bothersome urge to get back under the covers and place the pillow over his head?

As he slipped on his robe the master tried to work out why he was so utterly uptight. Perhaps it hadn't been part of a dream. Possibly it was something that had happened before he had went to bed. Something that his padawan had said or done?

Qui-Gon mentally scolded himself for jumping to conclusions - even if it was the most likely answer. There was nothing to say that Obi-Wan had misbehaved or had done something terrible, after all if it had been that bad he would have instantly recalled what it was! Had the boy been raiding the refrigeration unit again whilst he had been sleeping? Maybe his subconscious had heard him creaking about in the kitchen area and had alerted him to the apprentice's devious attack on the food supplies. It wouldn't be the first time, that was for sure!

His body ached and twinged slightly and Qui-Gon instantly placed his hand in the small of his back. The cause of his pain was not so much of a mystery - he'd been trampled, flattened and humiliated by a bunch of initiates during a 'harmless' Gabali game, rendered all the more ridiculous by the fact their net keeper was in fact an elderly master who on occasions was known to believe himself to be a hat stand. Fair play to Master Montal for turning out at short notice, but he hadn't particularly contributed much to the game. 

Hat stands rarely did.

Dex had seemed to enjoy the rough and tumble. He at least had ended the game with a red face, blond hair plastered against his head and a huge, unabashed grin beaming away for all the world to see. He hadn't been at all bothered that they'd been cuffed, humiliated, gubbed, wiped out, annihilated (and all kinds of similar words that denoted total defeat) by a group of children straight from the crèche. The taking part was what matter to Dex, but to the likes of Mace who would no doubt come in for a lot of stick at the council meetings that morning, it had been a complete disaster. Qui-Gon liked to win wherever humanly possible. It would be a good long while until his padawan let the subject drop…

He half expected to be accosted by an overly cheery "Good morning, master!" and a smile that held more than a suspicion of mirth, followed shortly by a _"Have you recovered from the GAME, master? You remember the GAME, don't you master? The won where YOU LOST TO A BUNCH OF INITIATES? No twinges, master? No aches or pains? Maybe you're getting TOO OLD? Sit in the chair, master. I'll fetch breakfast seeing as how you are too crippled to walk properly…"_

His imagination was of course running away with him. Firstly, Obi-Wan would not say such things to him. The insinuating smile would be there like he predicted but the padawan would never make a complete mockery of him. Second, and more importantly, Obi-Wan stuck to his bed like a snail to glass first thing in the morning and there was no chance that he would be up and about before his master.

Groaning inwardly and rubbing at the tired muscles in his neck, Qui-Gon tied the belt on his gown, put all such notions about bad feelings well behind him and opened the door.

"Morning, Master Jinn!" a bright and bubbly sounding voice rang out.

Qui-Gon spun around. 

Oh, of course! Jemmiah was staying with them…Evla was away on Florizan and the Corellian child had been placed back in his care until the crèche master returned. Jemmiah was always up and about before Obi-Wan, but the fact that she was awake so early caused that feeling of suspicion to return and flood him with a deep sense of foreboding.

"Good morning, Tangles." Qui-Gon frowned at her. "What are you doing out of bed at this time?"

"Waiting." Jemmiah folded her arms patiently infront of her.

"Waiting for what?"

"Don't you remember?" Jemmy pursed her lips.

"Remember?" Jinn repeated in confusion. "Remember what?"

And suddenly the source of his bad feeling kicked him right between the eyes.

He had promised to give that talk…the one that every parent and every master dreaded more than anything in the entire galaxy. The urge to hit his head off the wall until he knocked himself unconscious flared enticingly for a moment, but even then Jemmiah would find a way round it somehow, which in itself made the whole situation worse. The fact that it WAS Jemmiah made Qui-Gon want to crawl away and lock himself in the nearest wardrobe. Inwardly cursing the teachers at her school for not explaining the technicalities of the subject whilst smiling in a totally saccharin fashion so as not to upset her, Qui-Gon wracked his brains for a suitable reply.

"It can wait until after breakfast." He answered, before retreating to the safety of the fresher room and resolving to take the lengthiest shower in the history of the jedi temple.

Jemmiah watched him go.

"Looks like it's gonna be a lonnnnnnnng breakfast." She snickered.

************

It WAS a long breakfast by anyone's standards. Three quarters of an hour later and Obi-Wan had finally surfaced and was sitting at the table chewing idly on a piece of toast smothered in dillarberry jam, all the time keeping his ears open for the sound of the water being turned off.

"And he complains that I use up all the water!" the padawan deadpanned. "You've really got him flustered and no mistake!"

"Surely it can't be that bad for him?" Jemmiah smirked; wiping up a fallen piece of jam with her finger from Obi-Wan's plate. "What happened with you?"

"Me?" Obi-Wan shrugged at the memory. "I got all that stuff taught to me before I was Qui-Gon's padawan. As you will know I was thirteen before my master eventually took me on as a learner…lucky for him!" Kenobi grinned. "What if anything he said to Xanatos I don't know. Actually that's rather an amusing thought. Although apparently Yoda told him when it was his turn to find out about the facts of life he should observe the birds and the plants."

"So, what - he has to pollinate himself whilst flying in the air, is that what you mean?" Jemmy rolled her eyes lugubriously.

Obi-Wan spat tea out all over the kitchen table.

"You realize that image will stay with me all my life." He reproved her, mopping up the liquid with his sleeve.

"Yeah, and me." Jemmiah looked in the direction of the fresher room but there was no sign of the door opening. " I still can't believe he fell for it in the first place!"

"Why ARE you doing it?" Obi-Wan wondered. "Just as a joke?"

Jemmiah pointedly ignored the question and chewed absently on one of her fingernails. She didn't want to tell him the real reason. She didn't want to explain how badly she needed Qui-Gon to think she was completely unaware of such things.

//If he thinks I know about all this, he'll stop liking me and send me away.// Jemmiah thought miserably. //No, far better to lie about it all. And maybe make a convincing job of it…//

"I think I might dye my hair pink." Jemmy turned the conversation away from its previous topic. 

"You've been threatening that one for over a year." Countered Obi-Wan.

"But this time I've bought the kit!" winked Jemmy, sitting back comfortably in her chair and sipping at her glass of citrus.

"You haven't!"

"Have so! Got it stashed in my Vampki pyjama case." Jemmiah's face became eager and bright. "All I have to do is find the right time."

Obi-Wan breathed out heavily.

"Evla will not be pleased." He warned her.

"Evla's not here!" she pointed out.

"But if you do it when you're in Qui-Gon's care he will feel terrible - like he's neglected you or something. And Evla will be very upset with him. You don't want that, do you?" Obi-Wan tried to act as the voice of reason.

Jemmy snorted and kicked the chair on the other side of the table.

"Rats!"

"Good." Obi-Wan replied in that irritating voice he used that always made him sound so wise and grown up. "Common sense prevails."

"For the moment." Jemmy warned him. She stiffened suddenly, as did Obi-Wan.

The water had stopped.

"I think I will retreat to where I can't hear the full embarrassing details." Obi-Wan fixed her with a devilish grin and retreated back to the safety of his bedroom, armed with two further pieces of toast and a whole petal fruit which he carried in his mouth, very much resembling a Nerf's head on a platter.

Jemmiah waited and waited and waited. If Qui-Gon thought he was going to escape by boring her to death he obviously hadn't taken her determination into account! She could wait forever if she had to.

Finally, some twenty minutes after the water her stopped running, Qui-Gon reappeared in the living area.

"You're still here." He smiled forcedly. "Oh, good."

"I didn't mind the wait." Jemmy shrugged. "I had stuff to do."

"Oh, well. If you've got things you should be seeing to then I don't want to keep you back at all…" Qui-Gon began eagerly.

"Nothing that can't wait. Why don't you sit down and take the weight off your feet, Master Jinn?" Jemmy asked him politely, standing up and pulling out the chair next to her. "You look deadbeat!"

"I am kind of tired." Agreed Qui-Gon. "Maybe I should have a lie down…"

"It's bound to be that Gabali game you played with the kiddies." Jemmy stated with considerable relish. "You should take things easy at your age."

"At my…my age?" queried Qui-Gon in disbelief.

"Yeah. Forty-something is ancient!" she gazed at him in surprise. "Isn't it?"

"No it is not! And what's more, I am perfectly fit." He replied scathingly.

"Then why do you creak when you move?"

"Because…I went to sleep in a funny position." Qui-Gon began to get slightly flustered. "I do a considerable amount of training in the halls, you know that. I'm in my prime."

"Master Berlingside says you gotta use it or lose it." Jemmy shrugged nonchalantly.

"Pardon?"

"He said that if you don't keep fit then bits of you will cease to work properly." Answered Jemmiah.

Dex. 

Dex was the answer to all of Qui-Gon's prayers!

"Stay right there and don't move!" he cautioned her.

"But…"

"I'll be back shortly!"

And with that parting message Qui-Gon dashed for the doorway, leaving a very puzzled Jemmiah behind him.

******

"You should try the science teachers. That's what all the other masters do with their padawans." Dex told his friend, clasping a hand to the man's shoulder. Suddenly Qui-Gon felt ever bit as ancient as Jemmiah hinted. 

"Look, Jemmiah's not a jedi. I feel this has to be something a little more personal and besides," Qui-Gon ran a frustrated hand through his long hair, "she asked me!"

"Can't Evla do something about it when she comes back?"

"She wants to know now." Groaned Qui-Gon. "She's waiting for me back in my apartment. What do I do, Dex?"

Dex sighed dramatically.

"Tell her the truth, Qui. Tell her that birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it…but jedi just frown all the time." Dex answered with a boyish expression.

"When was the last time you had a good frown?" Jinn shot back.

"Oh, not for many a year! But there are exceptions to the rule. As the galaxy's most gorgeous master I can't disappoint the ladies!" Berlingside fluttered his eyelashes. "As it happens I have a book on the subject…"

"If it's got pop-up pictures I don't want it!" Qui-Gon's face flamed dramatically.

"N-noooo!" Dex found himself chuckling at Jinn's discomfort. "It's highly educational. I borrowed it for Kurtas all those years ago and I, er…never got around to returning it!"

"Hmmm." Qui-Gon looked dubiously at his friend's retreating back as the blonde master strode into Kryztan's bedroom to try and locate the book. "I wonder why that would be?"

This was a nightmare, but worse still it was an embarrassing one. As he waited on Dex returning with the book he tried to recall how utterly mortified he had been when it had come to his own 'tuition'. Yoda hadn't exactly been very helpful. If it weren't for the science tutors he might still believe that children were created in seed pods…

Jemmiah however had a naturally inquisitive mind. The fact that she was actually asking about the facts of life bothered him a little, although it was a reasonable curiosity. He knew that he would have to tread carefully because he did not wish to rake up any painful memories of Nargotria, and all that occurred there. How a child could know so much and yet understand so little he couldn't figure out for the life of him…

Unless that was what she was hoping he would think.

The thought left him momentarily cold, but he put it immediately from his head. The girl had an impish, restless sense of humor but she wouldn't go out of her way to mislead him. No, he would have to stop finding excuses to wriggle out of this unhappy situation and just get on with it…

"Here it is!" Dex thrust the book into his arms, causing Qui-Gon to jump slightly into the air. "Hey, you're nervy, aren't you? She's only a little girl, Qui!"

"She may only be little, but she's also Jemmiah." Pointed out Qui-Gon, trying to cover up his discomfiture. Dex however knew him far too well.

"Qui-Gon, I hate to bring this up but the girl lived in a brothel for five years. She's probably got a better idea of what goes on than you think."

"I do hope not." Qui-Gon fingered the box carefully, almost as if it might somehow burn his fingers. "Thank you for this. I'll…I'll see what I can do."

"Tell it how it is." Dex repeated. "No frills, elaborations…and DON'T be nervous!"

"Easier said than done." Jinn muttered, knowing exactly how serious the matter was.

Just as he was about to leave, Dex called out after him:

"And if you get stuck for words just turn to page thirty five. A diagram works better than words sometimes…"

The door closed very swiftly after him.

************

"Master Jinn, anyone would think you were avoiding me." Jemmy scowled as she sat waiting on the couch for the master to return. "Have I upset you at all?"

"No…absolutely not. I had to, er, visit Master Berlingside rather urgently." Qui-Gon tried his best to retain his aura of dignity, knowing already it was a lost cause. Again he wondered at the knowing look that Jemmiah was fixing on him, and wondered…was she fixing this whole thing up on purpose? But no, the force told him nothing. Or maybe he just didn't want to listen to the force. Maybe he didn't want to know.

"Well, I'm still ready." Jemmy smiled hopefully at him.

"Are you?" mumbled Qui-Gon.

"Yeah…so, where do we start?"

Qui-Gon closed his eyes. This was awful. Dex was right…how could a child live in a brothel and be so ignorant? Why had those poor women taught her nothing, thus saving him from chronic embarrassment? 

"Er…well." Qui-Gon took a deep breath. "I think that maybe we should…"

"Yes?"

"Er, we could…"

"Yes?" Jemmy blinked at him, feeling slightly concerned as Qui-Gon seemed to change color ever so slightly to a splotchy pink shade. "Are you okay, Master Jinn?"

Qui-Gon knew right then and there that he had lost, and that Jemmiah had won. He couldn't face it…let Evla do the necessary when she came back! The girl could wait another week, surely? And how humiliated was he going to feel when she walked past him in the corridor and gave him that terrible, roguish Corellian smile she had perfected?

Qui-Gon concentrated on drawing breath because for a moment it seemed he had forgotten how to do just that.

"No, I'm not okay…I'm going for a nice long nap. Wake me in seven days time and not a day before, is that understood?" he cautioned her with a raised finger.

"But…"

"In the meantime, study page 35 and if you have any further questions you can ask Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon prepared to flee the room as she made a lunge for the book.

Jemmiah stared at him in hurt confusion. "Aren't you going to show me?" she asked him.

Qui-Gon stuck his head round the door of his room.

"I'm sorry Jemmiah," he gulped, " but I have a headache!"


End file.
